Tonight...

Our household will be celebrating National Fuck With Your Dog Night.

It's a real holiday, as of now. Let the games commence.

In the trials, our dog did really well.

Thursday evening...

There was a jukebox, PBR, burgers, and Rowdiness. (Capital-R-Rowdy is the only way I know how to be.)


I would currently give my proverbial left nut for an egg and cheese biscuit and a latte.

Also? I couldn't help but think a few times last night "why do we never hear TLC on the radio anymore, they are not half bad." ahem, don't call it a comeback, they've been here for years.

headondesk

No bitch, you are not getting reimbursed because you bought TWENTY POUNDS OF SOUVENIRS and didn't bring a spare bag.

I am now dumber for having read this.

Cardbordeaux anyone?

8/30/2012

1. Why can't adults order off of the kids menu? Technically I understand why (it has to do with benjamins, and as they say "cash rules everything around me") but sometimes it's the perfect amount.

2. Coffee is delightful. In the mornings it genuinely makes me excited to wake up. I really have that joyful moment of like "hot damn! I get to drink coffee today!" When we are travelling (especially on road trips) I have minor freak outs over if we will be able to find acceptable coffee the next morning. First world problems, I know.

3. Hummers. The SUV (you dirty birds). I hate them. And if you drive one? I automatically know you're a douche. Attention Hummer drivers, if you're offended for being called a douche, don't drive a hummer.

4. Why is it that automatically when I am walking I assume I have the right of way pretty much all the time and that drivers are maniacs and disrespectful. Yet, when I am a driver, I think the same about people walking. 

5. Trader Joes wine has ruined me for normal wine (i.e. any wine not in a box). Now in the wine store I can't help but think "jesus! $10 for a bottle of wine? Do they think I live in a mansion and mainline crushed gold flakes when not bathing tigers milk and being attended to by a fleet of baby otters?" As I live far far away from a Trader Joes and consume boxed wine like it is, in fact, a giant adult juice box, I have this thought more often than I would care to admit.

This is a picture of a dead bird from New Orleans that I thought was so lovely and rather poetic in a way. As a former english major I can read too much into almost anything! Also? This is not the first photo I have taken of a dead bird. Judge freely.

Mid afternoon

Needed: one of these, over ice. Thank you.

Art Crawl

My favorite thing to do is an art crawl! Last night there was one in my town and it was super magical. A double decker bus took people all over to various galleries, a museum, and stores where art was being exhibited. After meeting up with my Brother Unit and a friend (don't worry, in keeping with the theme of my life, she is moving on Friday) we hit the town. At our first stop the house refreshment was cathead vodka and sweet tea, with mini strawberry cupcakes. An unexpectedly delightful combination. My favorite piece of the night was titled "The Bear and the Elephant" and I absolutely adored it! There was an unintentional circus theme to a few of the art pieces and collections we saw, which I thought was really interesting. There were some glicee prints (I believe) that featured in black and white various circus scenes from Barnum and Bailey's. I'd love to have a whole wall filled with circus art.

My favorite painting and some goofy photos with my beloved Brother Unit.

This is a pair of $400 shoes. They are art in their own way, yes? (also? Those are not my legs. Although, in my head, I feel as though those shoes may make my legs look like that, which is how people sell $400 shoes I suppose.)

Skills.

When you have the following thought at work "wow, taping stuff to paper is not as easy as I had originally assumed."

You know this is how you will begin your evening:

Happy Tuesday.

Sappy sap sap.

My Love returns in a little over a week and to say I am thrilled would be an understatement. I'm not normally prone to tears but just thinking about seeing him, holding his hand, hearing his laugh, watching him move in our home, makes me want to bawl like a big ole baby from happiness. He is my heart and my world and my happiness. He causes me to make grandiose (yet totally true) statements on love and how someone is out there for everyone who is their ideal and perfect match. He makes me want to be a better person, and shows me continually, in every way, every day, what love is. Lordy. Words fail me to adequately describe my love for him. He might not be cool with his photo on the nets, but with a face like that, who am I to deny the world his handsomeness? (Biased? Me? Never.) To reiterate, I love him!

In Scotland with my Brother Unit.

Prepping for dinner at a friends house in Vermont. So handsome!

In Unalakleet Alaska with a Grayling. A man totally in his element.

The look of looooooove in Venice on our honeymoon.

Being a goober.

Overlooking Edinburgh. Him: dashing as hell. Her: windblown and extra Jay Leno chin-y.

I've saved the best for last. Clearly. Behold! Sexy, no?

I love him so much it hurts. The strangest thing I can describe is being at home, in your house, in your bed, and feeling such intense homesickness you can hardly breathe. Because while I may have a physical home, he is my actual home.

Welcome home Dearheart. I've missed you so!

PS Are you ticked off to be on the interwebs? Or flattered because I am declaring my love for you across oceans and lots of cable and stuff? Hopefully it's the latter.

Completely Cringe-Worthy and Semi Ridiculous Goals

Right. So . . . I know I'm not eight anymore, and it's not the New Year, and making a Summer Goals list is not only ridiculous but also embarrassing and unnecessary and probably not happening. Having said that, obviously, I totally wrote one out and proceeded to check things off with abandon. With my Dearheart being gone for months at a time, it's good to stay busy and it can be exciting to focus on just myself for a bit.

The List: (editors note: please feel free to make fun of me at your leisure. I just ask that you do it behind my back as I am a delicate flower who is sensitive to criticism sometimes. I can take it, I just don't like to.)

1. Ride my bike to work 3 times a week. HA! Isn't this ADORABLE? It's freaking Mississippi in the summertime, I am a weakling, and my bike has one speed. Epic. Fail.

2. List stuff on eBay. Check-motherfucking-mark.

3. Get lenses for my frames. Long story but I got some bad ass frames on super sale but was saving up to get the lenses. Also, check and mark!

4. Plant herbs and flowers in coffee cans and arrange tastefully on the front porch. Um, yeah. Coffee cans LOOK all crafty and awesome and cool but my plants hated them and promptly revolted by dying, and the cans rusted. Do not try this at home. Do not do this if you see it on Pinterest! Avoid!

5. Buy a 2 month yoga subscription. Got one for six months, BOOM!

6. Make cushions for love seat. I bought pillows. That counts?

7. Re-upholster said cushions for love seat. The pillows came with covers? Is upholstery-ish, correct?

8. Touch up paint trim throughout the house. Doing it this weekend.

9. Embroider cards to send to John. Was clearly high on life/paint fumes/just plain crazy when I wrote this. I don't even know how to embroider. I blame pinterest (again) for making me think I can do these crafty things, and do them well. Pinterest, you are such a saucy minx.

10. Wire jam jars and hang on front porch for candlelight, or figure out ambient lighting for porch. Not so much. Next.

11. Go to the beach. Done.

12. Pressure wash the front porch. Am I the only one who adores pressure washing? It is one of my favorite things to do. So satisfying.

13. Buy red Saltwater sandals and THROW OUT GRODY SEAFOAM ONES! It's sad I had to write this down, but I had these disgusting sandals for years that I didn't even like but I just never found a replacement for (it helps when you actually look for a replacement, but I digress). Mission: accomplished. PS Saltwaters are the bomb. My mom actually got a matching pair, which I am hoping is adorable, and not super sad or deserving of the phrase "bless their hearts".

14. Buy boxes/storage containers to clear up bottom of bookshelves. Thank you Ikea. My mental intelligence was almost bested by a cardboard box, but I persevered and won. In your face box! I owned you!

15. Get a massage every few weeks. Don't feel guilty! Your body is your temple and your temple needs some maintenance. Is cheaper than a doctors visit (editors note: I see some expensive-ass doctors, so this is true) lasts longer and makes you feel better! Sort of did it. I got two, which is two more than I had last year or the year before. Baby steps.

16. Find/make curtains for above the bed, or learn to really love the fringed shawl hanging there. I heart you fringed shawl.

17. Get good/better/try to take more pictures. HA! Right. Nope. I'm taking more I suppose, but they are all blurry and the lighting is bad. Which, I suppose, is what happens when you use your phone for everything and not a real camera.

18. Train so I can run three miles straight without dying. Baaahahaaaa!

19. Buy running shoes (see #18). Done.

20. Make a rosemary gin fizz, drink with friends. Working on this. I made the rosemary simple syrup but had neither enough rosemary, nor white sugar. The resulting liquid was poo brown with some twigs floating in it. I have since purchased white sugar and plan on rectifying the whole debacle this weekend. Sidenote: I have gin in tiny airplane bottles that my mother gave me (long story) and there is little in life that makes me happier than mini things. Especially mini alcoholic things.

21. See every movie I want to in the theater. Sneak prosecco into at least one. Done. Also I'd say "sneak champagne in" but let's be frank, prosecco is just as good and way cheaper.

22. Visit Birmingham. Family H can attest to this. There was much cooking, drinking, and rejoicing.

23. Visit New Orleans. Went for Running of the Bulls. Awesome. Please put on bucket list if you haven't been.

24. Clean out car. Happening this weekend.

25. Cook at home more. *Hummus is not an appropriate meal and does not count as cooking. Repeat until have learned this. Also stop buying damn beans to make hummus, buy pasta or something instead. Yes! Got really good at this one!

26. Eat out with friends at least once a week somewhere delicious. Sort of. I have so few friends here this was harder than anticipated. Also I had some sickness going on for a while and couldn't really eat anything at all so . . . this one is an A for effort, C for execution.

27. Find somewhere that makes macarons and nom away. My sweet Mother Unit got me some frozen from Trader Joe's. Vanilla and chocolate. They scratched the surface of the itch, but I'm going to need some fancy patisserie ones before the year is out.

These photos are from three years ago (before I learned how to turn of the time and date on my camera, clearly) but they are of Folly Beach in South Carolina. Which was where I went this summer as well. It looked the same, so just pretend they are from this summer.

A Word About Perfection

I dig blogs. I have a job that doesn't stimulate my intellect in the least (holla if you hear me) and blogs and blog hunting is a great way to look busy and yet still fill the endless expanses of excess time between work projects. (I know, what a first world problem "boooo! I have to look busy at my job! Relaxing is soooo hard, waaaaaah!" I get it, truly. Don't cry for me Argentina, I know I'm a spoiled white girl.) But, back to the title of this post . . . .

One thing I can't handle is the displays of perfection. You know, like, perfect hair, perfect family, perfectly pressed and coordinated clothes. Please. Not in the real world. Part of me understands wanting to project that photographic evidence of those 30 seconds in the day when you DO look perfectly put together and awesome, but the reality is that I rarely have even 30 seconds of that, and my life is a big fat head shake and expression of vague disdain at perfection and the pursuit of it. This is helpful because it's never going to happen for me. I've come to grips with that.

So, anyway, that won't happen here. One, to take a perfect picture you need to actually, like, look perfect for a second, which I rarely do. Second, my life isn't that way, period. Third, I don't want to perpetuate those stereotypes. To prove this, I present you with a series of pictures.

Back story: my parents have this studio and out the back garage door is a sea of ivy (clearly). My father wanted to get a photo of me in the ivy because he thought it looked so picturesque. I believe the conversation went something like this:

Dad: "Hey, Lulu, go stand in the middle of that ivy, I want to take your picture."
Me: "um, remember my Rule #1 of living in Mississippi? Don't leave the pavement?"
Dad: "It's not that bad. It'll be fast! Just hop on out there!"
Me: "If I die from excessive chigger bites and have sores on my legs tomorrow,  please harken back to this moment."

I did it, because I am a good daughter. While out there we decided to have my dog join us. In my head, we look like the filler photo you get in a frame from a fancy store. In reality, not so much.

2 common themes in my life: blurry pictures, and hair that started off looking really good (not perfect mind you, but socially acceptable) that ends up looking like a rats nest with a quickness.

For the record? I totally got eaten by lots of bugs and had bumps all over my legs.

A little introduction

1. I love lists.
2. I love shortening words, examples: inappropriate = inapropro, muffins = muffs, etc.
3. Married to a chef who works in Alaska 4 months a year. We kick it old-school with Jane Austen style letter writing due to no phone or Internet in the bush of AK. You think you know someone, then you write letters. It's a whole new world baby. Nothing will make you want to swoon on your fainting couch and fan your face with an embroidered handkerchief more than a handwritten love letter folded around cotton flowers handpicked for you on the tundra. Just writing that makes me feel faint and woozy with romance. My man has some skills.
4. Love obscenely bright neon pink nail polish.
5. Prefer brown sugar in my coffee. Also? Absolutely love coffee.
6. Live on what is referred to as "sorority and fraternity row" and despise neighbors. Reasons for this are:
     a) I am friendly and wave and smile (because I am a lady! I am CIVILIZED goddammit!) and no one waves back.
     b)People park in our yard.
     c) People litter with abandon.
     d) People throw parties until three in the morning---loud loud parties. (Also they don't invite us, bitches.)     
     e) No one works or has any realization of what work is.
     f) People get in drunken fights on the sidewalk outside of our house regularly and have broken plants on our porch before.
     g) More times than I care to mention people have been high off of drugs (or maybe life, but probably most definitely drugs) and run around in the street not wearing certain items of clothing that one normally needs to wear when running on the street and that shizz stresses me out. Do drugs if you must, but please do them in your home and, ideally, smoke pot because it seems to make most people mellow.
7. Once I found a pair of Herve Leger bandage shorts for $10 in a thrift store.
8. I once sold a pair of Herve Leger bandage shorts for $110 on ebay that I purchased for only $10!
9. Who has two thumbs and champagne tastes, yet a domestic beer budget? THIS GIRL!
10. I really love swearing even though it is inapropro.
11. Addicted to: coffee, alcohol, refined sugar, and cheese.
12. I have no friends. Kidding! Sort of! I have almost no friends in the town where I live. They mostly all live in such exotic places as New Orleans, Boston, Birmingham, Providence. The cheese stands alone. (The cheese being me.)

13.  This is a photo of a delicious orange beverage and a delightful shot of espresso topped with homemade whipped cream. It was consumed in New Orleans a few years ago. I would like both of those things in my life, on my desk, right now.